A little bit of life and appologies

I feel like I'm super depressing on here. People probably read this blog and expect some emo kid doing drugs who is not very nice to be around. Oh dont worry Im known to be the opposite, I'm friendly respectful and you could be my best friend and not suspect a thing of me being unhappy sometimes or depressed. You could look at me and think my life is perfect in my mind. I wish with all my heart it was. And you know what most of the time thats how I see it. I see the birds the trees the flowers and dont feel the wind thats blowing or see the dark clouds coming in. Now what makes me so misserable is I'm there for my friends all day everyday I do soo much for them buy expensive things for them drive them places listen to their problems and give them advice. now when it comes to my problems or me being appreciated. Theres nothing some would call it a one sided friendship. so life has taught me to put a smile on my face act like everythings great. To bottle up how I feel about most real situations. Like my best friend, she hears me talk about some of my very minor issues or stuff, but I dont feel like shes listening. I could talk for 5 minutes and suddenly feel selfish and feel like its back to her problems. And when I do talk I lose my train of thought, Why? because shes never truly listtening, now Im also called a mushroom by my parents I could spend a lifetime by myself and be completely happy and satisfied just lost in my thoughts. So darkness and the corner of my room are my place. Most of my friends, dont respect that when i want my 1 day of alone time a week, I need it. Instead there are the people that cant be alone, they have to be surrounded by friends even if they are home. It bugs me and most of the time they get mad at me because they want me to be that person hanging out with them or talking to them, but me I wanna curl up in bed with my music, phone, movie, and laptop and just stay there for weeks at a time. During the summer I usually cut off everyone, because its my break time, from making everyone else feel better, and its my alone time, to prepare for 1 more year of being the people pleaser and dealing with high school drama, that is unneeded and unnecessary.

Depression

You know they say depression kills. But 'They' have no idea. I was suicidal once, like the point where hey suicides my best option. But scared out of my mind to follow through. Now here I am, having been depressed for this long. Not like oh she's just a little sad inside and doesnt feel like most things are going right. Like majorly depressed like any moment I could just fall over and cry or kill myself. Driving is the worst, because all I can think of is what is the best pole to run my truck into, to instantly kill myself or what else can I run into to only hurt myself. Or give me cancer I deserve it, I deserve to suffer those people don't. Like so depressed and not that anyone knows, this is the point where it's scary depressed and all I do is hide it, haven't told a soul I could jump off a bridge and no one would have any idea why. I don't need mental help, or psychological help I'm a perfectly normal person, this is just my inner depression. Hiding from the world, Im sure I'll be fine again in a month or two. I still care for everyone around me that doesn't care about me too much to do anything to myself that might hurt or affect them. But in a way this feels right, it feels good, just to let it all out.

Youngest but matur-est

Have you ever noticed, the kids that grow up as the youngest are always more mature. By the time it's their turn for something they are more than ready, they have to be better, why because maturity is all they have over the older siblings. When your a kid, and you need someone to play with, most kids don't get that, because yes they have siblings but usually they've moved on to bigger better things because of the difference in age. So they strive to grow up to be at the level their siblings are at, but most of the time, they end up more mature. Sure they aren't going to be at the same stage in life as them, but you watch their attitude, most of the time, they are ready for the next thing, matured, prepared and know what life's all about. When I was a kid, I wanted to skate before I could walk, which I did, I potty trained myself, while my siblings were being potty trained, I learned to read early because they could. I got my learners on my first try because they didnt. I got my drivers licence on my first try during a snowstorm. Because I had to be just as good and better. When you think about it, the maturity, is really good. My sister pretty much lives on a common sense brain of a 5 year old but is almost 20. Which makes me the more adult like organized, responsible figure, who gets annoyed of her. The thing about being the youngest too, is that, when they come home from college and university, and I've loved my house to myself, and being the only one around, it makes me want to leave. And the sad part is for my parents, when I go to university, they may not see me, well almost ever, because, I won't come home for the 4 month summer, to be annoyed by my siblings and be irritated, I'll be living my life, in wherever I decide to go. I'll be more responsible and organized I won't have to ask my parents for money, advice, directions, or live off them, because, going to university, is about learning to live life on your own. And that's how I plan to do it. I guess that just makes me more mature, but who knows.

Long Distance

So in my last post.. I happened to mention.. How most of my relationships are done from afar.. The thing is.. .No one has any idea.. My moms theory is that, I like meeting guys that are going away or that live far away.. Because Im scared of commitment or something.. what she doesn't understand.. Is long distance, is almost a worse commitment, because every free moment you have is spent telling them about the stuff you wish they were there to see or there to be with you for. Its brutal. Not being able to have intimacy with them. So as I was saying, Me personally, I have bad luck, with Long Distance relationships, First it was all about the guy I met at camp I cared about a lot, that it could never work for real because he lives 3 hrs away. Then after that didn't work, I dated this guy.. Who was moving away 2 hrs. After him I started crushing on this guy who was one of my best friends, who lives 8hrs away, after that I met this guy this summer, who I really liked.. Only to find out we couldn't get involved because he was going away to New Zealand for a year. But wait here's the best part, A few days after he left, I ran into my friend who I had went to camp with.. And discovered I couldn't date him.. Why? because he was also going to New Zealand, We got involved anyways, and he had me in tears and head over heels for him before he left, he had left for 5 months.. 2.5 now, half way, and asked me to wait for him, and my First friend that went to New Zealand, Wants me to wait for him.. so we can go to university together and date and stuff.. Crazy! Its like I only attract the relationships that have a limit, a date when it ends. And if it doesn't.. the guys that live close.. My continuous ending it with them, Is exactly a month from the day he asks me out. Most of the guys I have become close with have discovered that anyone I care about and it gets somewhat too close, or too complicated.. I push them away. I attract, Long Distance, and push away the ones I care about. Tough luck, Maybe its why, I am such an outsider, I push away friends too, keeping friendships isn't something I'm good at, I find some reason why we shouldn't be friends and slowly fade from their life. And now that Ive pushed just about everyone away, and all the guys I care about have left and gone half way across the world, I'm Invisible, and an outsider. Life. Is. Complicated.

From afar

The worst kind of crushing, is when your doing it from far away. Like drooling over a guy you have once had and will never have again. That guy you once randomly made out with that suddenly shows up looking so hot. Crushing on that guy you've sat next to in all of your core classes and whose locker is right next to yours, Cause he is just so hot. Not having the guts to just message them, or tell them straight up, that umm damn you think they're hot. Just wishing one day he'll ask for your number or text you up to talk to you because he thinks your cute.. (will never happen..) Its the worst. But don't make a big deal. Your a chicken or don't have enough confidence, you don't want to ruin a friendship, or things to get awkward, so you avoid it. Me, its okay because, yeah these guys look attractive and its fun to crush on them, but the one I truly care about, is far away, so I guess crushing and drooling is my way of avoiding my loneliness, and missing him.. :( oh everything is just done from afar.. Including all of my relationships, eh? =(

Calming down

Day after day, I feel like I'm freaking out, or losing it.. I get so bored I swear I could die. I wander around the house like a lost puppy, trying to figure out what new project I could accomplish today. When I finally give up and crawl back into bed for the day, I turn on my favorite radio station. Country. Its like a melody to the soul. It calms me down, brings me back down to earth, gives me hope, lets me dream, and keeps me going. Who would have thought country music could help me so much. I could lay for hours, staring at the ceiling with nothing but my country music on. I feel like it is what has become of my life, but I am okay with it. Its a love. The other thing that makes me feel 10X better, is just the outdoors, even though the Canadian winter right now is rather depressing, I could lay in the snow for hours or play with my dog in the snow, and only be at peace, I could freeze to death outside, but Id come back inside with a huge smile on my face. Country music and the outdoors. My calming peace, not a bath or soothing music, not sleep or a nap, Country, and the outdoors, when you think about it, lots of people could agree. Its your way to know that everything is going to be alright, that just because today kinda sucks doesn't mean tomorrow will be the same. Just a country girl.. Whose an outsider. =)

Depression

Honestly I feel like I'm going into depression.... I go to every class early because I honestly have no friends to hang out with.. I claim that it's because I love math or going early. I think I am depressed I'm just too scared to admit it to anyone or do anything about it, acting happy is all I can do. I question what I have all the time, what's there to look forward to, is life going to get better, on my birthday ill spend most of the time sleeping or watching tv.. It's not that I'm a loser, maybe I don't try to hang out with people enough, or I got rid of my friends on my own, no friends=no drama, the weird part is, is everywhere else I don't have any problems making friends or getting people to like me, but here at school I'm just an outsider, trying to fit in and get by.

Boys don't understand the word love

They have used it a million times, thrown it around likes it's useless, time and time again, they use it in the most ridiculous situations, like I love you but I have to let you go, like if you really loved me..... Umm you wouldn't want to. Being unfaithful.. He never fricken loved you! Don't believe that crapp. This guy said to me once, cause of long distance, I love you but I can't have you, so I'm settling for second best, I know personally, when I love someone I don't even consider a second best, hello, it's you or nothing. I love you but can we just be friends, famous used line! Boy I'm telling you this now, you don't love me, if you did you would go through any obstacle with that person by your side because they mean that much to you, it's not, well can I love you when I'm there and then when I come back in a few months, and not talk to you in between, but I still really love you! Bullshit, it's all bull crapp, If you hear this... Run! It's not gunna work, he's never gunna be that faithful loving husband because he never really loved you!

Happiness

Being happy, can be the best thing in the whole world. Being happy for absolutely no reason, Its an amazing reason to feel like you can just get up and dance and keep a smile on your face no matter where you are, what happens or whose around you. Lately, its all I got, a smile on my face. I feel every piece of joy in life maybe its god giving me the power to just be happy or maybe i just found a way to smile no matter what, but all I know is I am, Im happy no ones bringing that down, or tearing it away from me. Happiness is something you have to achieve with god, and all on your own in the world. Now be Happy

Valentines day

Honestly one of my favourite holidays, the romance involved is just so heart warming, I mean once your past high school atleast, then you actually have the opportunity to have the full out romance, otherwise for us single people, it's just a day where we see all the cute couples even the days leading up to it and it reminds us that we don't have anyone,. Pretty depressing, but hey, even though I may have someone on the other side of the world and may not also, I'm just gunna enjoy tomorrow take it with open arms and a big smile. I mean last year I was alone and had 5 guys tell me they were gunna ask me out, but 1 beat them all to it, and I had a pretty great day, otherwise just enjoy the day full of love, from friends or loved ones or no one, just take it with a glass half full perspective and enjoy :)

Painful evenings

Do you ever have one of those evenings where everything feels like it kills you. Maybe it's just caring too much for someone who may not care that much about you, or maybe your just really insecure and taking everything overly harsh, it could be your tired upset or insecure, but everything seems like it's going wrong, but what you need to realize is you've had worse days, worse evenings ad people out there have a lot worse issues than you. So just be happy and thankful for what you've got

Road rage

Okay we all have some problems with getting mad at the drivers around us, I mean how couldn't we, we're surrounded by many horrible drivers who we question how they got their license. Okay soo maybe Im not one to talk I'm a pretty crazy driver myself, but not like danger ing others or pissing people off. I'm a pretty good driver in tht way, but I'm a teenager and every slow driver, deserves to be screamed at, they make me mad, oh and the people who cut you off, grrr, so yes I sit there yelling at my windshield at people who can't hear me, and riding their tail on the highways so they get out of my way. But hey I could be alot worse, okay so my distracted driving..... Skills are actually amazing but.. I am the worst for distracted driving alot maybe that's why I'm so good at it. A sight you will often see is me with food in one hand holding the steering wheel and my phone in the other, and then I'll start searching for stuff, I mean people it's brutal how much I do it and and to the extreme. I mean I'm getting better, I do it less and less, because one day gods gunna get fed up with stupidity and try and teach me a lesson. So maybe I should stop, disregarding the safety of me and the people around me.

Teens pointless ways on Facebook

I think I forgot the point of facebook, or I just realized how stupid it is. We all have over 100 friends but only 50 and less actually pay attention or give a shit what you have to say, theres constantly misunderstandings, beaking, and drama. We all come on here to complain hoping that one person its about will care. Or to tell people opinions that.. Well you wouldnt say to their face. okay so sometimes you talk to people but most of the time, everyone just comes on facebook searching for the attention of their peers, friends and family, others just go on to brag. I mean place where we have no privacy, but yet, we tell everybody everything and constantly are attached to it. We are also constantly judged by our peers, our friends, and even our family. Yeah its a great place to be updated on the people you barely see or friends that are far away and your easy way to talk to them. But even that isnt that common anymore. I mean I personally, am constantly attached to facebook and constantly, posted and looking at other peoples profiles. But I end up not posting stuff anymore, because why? because out of my 700 friends, 7 actually like or care what I'm up to, the other 693 just want to be your friend so they have more friends, so they can attract more attention to their profile, if anything there criticizing your account. Honestly it kills any of my self confidence, like hey I like this picture I'm gunna post it on facebook and show it off, 5 mins later, wow 4 out of my 700 friends liked it. The rest probably just think I look horrible, I may aswell delete it, especially since my crush didnt like it. Its my constant judgement of everything I do on facebook, I mean yeah the "popular people" get more attention and likes from their peers, but even they, dont have the likes of all 900 of their friends, they barely manage their 50 likes. I mean It feels like self destruction, and pointless teen time consumption.

Invisible

I'm not the same person I once was, I'm not the person I should be, I'm not truly me. Why? Because, someone else's judgements and words, keep me fighting for acceptance. Because I've been bullied into a person that I'm not. Where has this gotten me? No close friends. The invisible. The person people walk right by, judging time after time, talking behind my back and excluding me. Who I am, and who I keep trying to be, and anyone I will ever become will never be good enough. The girl who once was loud outgoing and fun who just loved life and was fun to be around the one who had lots of friends and who just didn't care id always tell you my honest opinion no matter what. Now I'm the girl you'll see hiding my face, dressing in baggy clothes, I don't talk much, I hang out with maybe 1 person. I'm not the student all the teachers know cause I'm always talking, I'm the student you have to talk to before I'll talk, I will never tell you my honest opinion. I'm Quiet and invisible, anyone who knows me, know that, it's not my personality. It's what people have created out of me.

Gods plan

God sent them to me. The time I needed them most. Things were getting rough, and he knew I had fought for so long to connect with him. So he knew just the right thing to do. Send me two people who would change me forever. I grew up, trying to get close to god, I fought to see the beauty and understand why the world revolved the way it did. Why the lord does the things he does. I felt like I tried everything, begging my parents to take me to church, I tried going with my grandparents, that wasnt easy. Youth groups, christian groups, church events, and bible camps, I tried it all. I felt like I had an understanding, of who he was and how things were, but I still didnt understand, well life..Well how are you supposed to understand life? I heard it all, criticisms of his existense, which I strongly believed against, evolution science. But in the end, I believe that everything, is something god does and he does it for a reason. I was satisfied with my connection with god. So when life got busy, I lost the time to go to youth groups and camps and to be able to sing christian songs all the time just to feel his presence all around me. I feel like I went into a dark period, a time, without a view on how things were, until things got bad, drugs got ahold of my brain, it was only my first time and 2 seconds in I was regretting letting the disgusting poison touch my lips. No one wants to listen to every crazy thought and feeling that went through my head, but something was definetly wrong, this is not how i should feel, is all I could think, and it scared me. Unable to control anything, I sat there and prayed, over and over in my head, God help me, save me, I cant die now, Im sorry I made a mistake. He gave me the strength not to completely break down. He helped me through one of my toughest times, and taught me a lesson. He taught me not to fall to pressure and temptation and I knew it. But he knew I hadnt realized yet that it was my time to connect with him again. He was trying in every way, to get me to turn to him, and I did. I hope he forgave my sins. But he sent me, a friend, someone who believes so strongly, that it would teach me and guide me, she showed me that life was great. She held me up when I was probably on the edge of life. The person who kept me going, and until my drug incident i didnt even know she was christian, but after that I knew it and saw it everyday. Then God sent me, a boy, someone I had met at a bible camp many years before, it was his plan for us to meet again. He is a strong believer, and has a lot of faith and belief, and see I had been so out of touch with Jesus for so long, It scared me all the questions, and pressure of my christianity. I know, with all my might I am christian and a believer in God, that I turn to him when I need him most and know that he loves me, and does whats best for me when guiding me in life. But this was not something I announced to well, just about anyone. So when, I fell for the guy God had sent me, and he left. I didnt know, what was next and I still didnt know it was all part of Gods plan. See the guy that God sent me, was going to a missionary work/school, to connect with god. I didnt understand until he told me, he could never date me if I didnt love and believe strongly in God, which scared me a lot, because, I know I do. But someone going out and saying that almost offended me. People telling me that I have to connect at a higher level with god, it still scares and confuses me, because I believe so strongly in my heart, but yeah I dont understand everything and have such strong beliefs about things as some people. I asked my friend if she thought the guy was asking me to change for him, and she very strongly told me that, its time for me to pursue my christianity and connect with god that i dont know what its like to love god. I understood what she was saying but also felt, yet again scared and confused. Connect, higher with god. and i knew she was right deep down, it just scares me because I want to, but i dont know If i have the time, and that sounds horrible, we should always have time and make time for god, and I should, I really should. I should pray every chance I get which I have and connect to him and read the bible to understand why, the world is the way it is, how it came to be, and how much god loves us. I should read all of gods word. And then I would truly know what it is to love god. but im still scared I dont know why, it makes me feel like I cant breathe. To feel like you have a connection and strong enough belief and have the love of god, but being told its not good enough? I dont know what to think. But I know no matter what, God will guide me, and show me whats right, and love me no matter what. And hopefully the guy he sent me will to, and if he doesnt, it just isnt part of gods plan for me.