Gods plan

God sent them to me. The time I needed them most. Things were getting rough, and he knew I had fought for so long to connect with him. So he knew just the right thing to do. Send me two people who would change me forever. I grew up, trying to get close to god, I fought to see the beauty and understand why the world revolved the way it did. Why the lord does the things he does. I felt like I tried everything, begging my parents to take me to church, I tried going with my grandparents, that wasnt easy. Youth groups, christian groups, church events, and bible camps, I tried it all. I felt like I had an understanding, of who he was and how things were, but I still didnt understand, well life..Well how are you supposed to understand life? I heard it all, criticisms of his existense, which I strongly believed against, evolution science. But in the end, I believe that everything, is something god does and he does it for a reason. I was satisfied with my connection with god. So when life got busy, I lost the time to go to youth groups and camps and to be able to sing christian songs all the time just to feel his presence all around me. I feel like I went into a dark period, a time, without a view on how things were, until things got bad, drugs got ahold of my brain, it was only my first time and 2 seconds in I was regretting letting the disgusting poison touch my lips. No one wants to listen to every crazy thought and feeling that went through my head, but something was definetly wrong, this is not how i should feel, is all I could think, and it scared me. Unable to control anything, I sat there and prayed, over and over in my head, God help me, save me, I cant die now, Im sorry I made a mistake. He gave me the strength not to completely break down. He helped me through one of my toughest times, and taught me a lesson. He taught me not to fall to pressure and temptation and I knew it. But he knew I hadnt realized yet that it was my time to connect with him again. He was trying in every way, to get me to turn to him, and I did. I hope he forgave my sins. But he sent me, a friend, someone who believes so strongly, that it would teach me and guide me, she showed me that life was great. She held me up when I was probably on the edge of life. The person who kept me going, and until my drug incident i didnt even know she was christian, but after that I knew it and saw it everyday. Then God sent me, a boy, someone I had met at a bible camp many years before, it was his plan for us to meet again. He is a strong believer, and has a lot of faith and belief, and see I had been so out of touch with Jesus for so long, It scared me all the questions, and pressure of my christianity. I know, with all my might I am christian and a believer in God, that I turn to him when I need him most and know that he loves me, and does whats best for me when guiding me in life. But this was not something I announced to well, just about anyone. So when, I fell for the guy God had sent me, and he left. I didnt know, what was next and I still didnt know it was all part of Gods plan. See the guy that God sent me, was going to a missionary work/school, to connect with god. I didnt understand until he told me, he could never date me if I didnt love and believe strongly in God, which scared me a lot, because, I know I do. But someone going out and saying that almost offended me. People telling me that I have to connect at a higher level with god, it still scares and confuses me, because I believe so strongly in my heart, but yeah I dont understand everything and have such strong beliefs about things as some people. I asked my friend if she thought the guy was asking me to change for him, and she very strongly told me that, its time for me to pursue my christianity and connect with god that i dont know what its like to love god. I understood what she was saying but also felt, yet again scared and confused. Connect, higher with god. and i knew she was right deep down, it just scares me because I want to, but i dont know If i have the time, and that sounds horrible, we should always have time and make time for god, and I should, I really should. I should pray every chance I get which I have and connect to him and read the bible to understand why, the world is the way it is, how it came to be, and how much god loves us. I should read all of gods word. And then I would truly know what it is to love god. but im still scared I dont know why, it makes me feel like I cant breathe. To feel like you have a connection and strong enough belief and have the love of god, but being told its not good enough? I dont know what to think. But I know no matter what, God will guide me, and show me whats right, and love me no matter what. And hopefully the guy he sent me will to, and if he doesnt, it just isnt part of gods plan for me.