Youngest but matur-est

Have you ever noticed, the kids that grow up as the youngest are always more mature. By the time it's their turn for something they are more than ready, they have to be better, why because maturity is all they have over the older siblings. When your a kid, and you need someone to play with, most kids don't get that, because yes they have siblings but usually they've moved on to bigger better things because of the difference in age. So they strive to grow up to be at the level their siblings are at, but most of the time, they end up more mature. Sure they aren't going to be at the same stage in life as them, but you watch their attitude, most of the time, they are ready for the next thing, matured, prepared and know what life's all about. When I was a kid, I wanted to skate before I could walk, which I did, I potty trained myself, while my siblings were being potty trained, I learned to read early because they could. I got my learners on my first try because they didnt. I got my drivers licence on my first try during a snowstorm. Because I had to be just as good and better. When you think about it, the maturity, is really good. My sister pretty much lives on a common sense brain of a 5 year old but is almost 20. Which makes me the more adult like organized, responsible figure, who gets annoyed of her. The thing about being the youngest too, is that, when they come home from college and university, and I've loved my house to myself, and being the only one around, it makes me want to leave. And the sad part is for my parents, when I go to university, they may not see me, well almost ever, because, I won't come home for the 4 month summer, to be annoyed by my siblings and be irritated, I'll be living my life, in wherever I decide to go. I'll be more responsible and organized I won't have to ask my parents for money, advice, directions, or live off them, because, going to university, is about learning to live life on your own. And that's how I plan to do it. I guess that just makes me more mature, but who knows.

Long Distance

So in my last post.. I happened to mention.. How most of my relationships are done from afar.. The thing is.. .No one has any idea.. My moms theory is that, I like meeting guys that are going away or that live far away.. Because Im scared of commitment or something.. what she doesn't understand.. Is long distance, is almost a worse commitment, because every free moment you have is spent telling them about the stuff you wish they were there to see or there to be with you for. Its brutal. Not being able to have intimacy with them. So as I was saying, Me personally, I have bad luck, with Long Distance relationships, First it was all about the guy I met at camp I cared about a lot, that it could never work for real because he lives 3 hrs away. Then after that didn't work, I dated this guy.. Who was moving away 2 hrs. After him I started crushing on this guy who was one of my best friends, who lives 8hrs away, after that I met this guy this summer, who I really liked.. Only to find out we couldn't get involved because he was going away to New Zealand for a year. But wait here's the best part, A few days after he left, I ran into my friend who I had went to camp with.. And discovered I couldn't date him.. Why? because he was also going to New Zealand, We got involved anyways, and he had me in tears and head over heels for him before he left, he had left for 5 months.. 2.5 now, half way, and asked me to wait for him, and my First friend that went to New Zealand, Wants me to wait for him.. so we can go to university together and date and stuff.. Crazy! Its like I only attract the relationships that have a limit, a date when it ends. And if it doesn't.. the guys that live close.. My continuous ending it with them, Is exactly a month from the day he asks me out. Most of the guys I have become close with have discovered that anyone I care about and it gets somewhat too close, or too complicated.. I push them away. I attract, Long Distance, and push away the ones I care about. Tough luck, Maybe its why, I am such an outsider, I push away friends too, keeping friendships isn't something I'm good at, I find some reason why we shouldn't be friends and slowly fade from their life. And now that Ive pushed just about everyone away, and all the guys I care about have left and gone half way across the world, I'm Invisible, and an outsider. Life. Is. Complicated.

From afar

The worst kind of crushing, is when your doing it from far away. Like drooling over a guy you have once had and will never have again. That guy you once randomly made out with that suddenly shows up looking so hot. Crushing on that guy you've sat next to in all of your core classes and whose locker is right next to yours, Cause he is just so hot. Not having the guts to just message them, or tell them straight up, that umm damn you think they're hot. Just wishing one day he'll ask for your number or text you up to talk to you because he thinks your cute.. (will never happen..) Its the worst. But don't make a big deal. Your a chicken or don't have enough confidence, you don't want to ruin a friendship, or things to get awkward, so you avoid it. Me, its okay because, yeah these guys look attractive and its fun to crush on them, but the one I truly care about, is far away, so I guess crushing and drooling is my way of avoiding my loneliness, and missing him.. :( oh everything is just done from afar.. Including all of my relationships, eh? =(

Calming down

Day after day, I feel like I'm freaking out, or losing it.. I get so bored I swear I could die. I wander around the house like a lost puppy, trying to figure out what new project I could accomplish today. When I finally give up and crawl back into bed for the day, I turn on my favorite radio station. Country. Its like a melody to the soul. It calms me down, brings me back down to earth, gives me hope, lets me dream, and keeps me going. Who would have thought country music could help me so much. I could lay for hours, staring at the ceiling with nothing but my country music on. I feel like it is what has become of my life, but I am okay with it. Its a love. The other thing that makes me feel 10X better, is just the outdoors, even though the Canadian winter right now is rather depressing, I could lay in the snow for hours or play with my dog in the snow, and only be at peace, I could freeze to death outside, but Id come back inside with a huge smile on my face. Country music and the outdoors. My calming peace, not a bath or soothing music, not sleep or a nap, Country, and the outdoors, when you think about it, lots of people could agree. Its your way to know that everything is going to be alright, that just because today kinda sucks doesn't mean tomorrow will be the same. Just a country girl.. Whose an outsider. =)

Depression

Honestly I feel like I'm going into depression.... I go to every class early because I honestly have no friends to hang out with.. I claim that it's because I love math or going early. I think I am depressed I'm just too scared to admit it to anyone or do anything about it, acting happy is all I can do. I question what I have all the time, what's there to look forward to, is life going to get better, on my birthday ill spend most of the time sleeping or watching tv.. It's not that I'm a loser, maybe I don't try to hang out with people enough, or I got rid of my friends on my own, no friends=no drama, the weird part is, is everywhere else I don't have any problems making friends or getting people to like me, but here at school I'm just an outsider, trying to fit in and get by.