A little bit of life and appologies

I feel like I'm super depressing on here. People probably read this blog and expect some emo kid doing drugs who is not very nice to be around. Oh dont worry Im known to be the opposite, I'm friendly respectful and you could be my best friend and not suspect a thing of me being unhappy sometimes or depressed. You could look at me and think my life is perfect in my mind. I wish with all my heart it was. And you know what most of the time thats how I see it. I see the birds the trees the flowers and dont feel the wind thats blowing or see the dark clouds coming in. Now what makes me so misserable is I'm there for my friends all day everyday I do soo much for them buy expensive things for them drive them places listen to their problems and give them advice. now when it comes to my problems or me being appreciated. Theres nothing some would call it a one sided friendship. so life has taught me to put a smile on my face act like everythings great. To bottle up how I feel about most real situations. Like my best friend, she hears me talk about some of my very minor issues or stuff, but I dont feel like shes listening. I could talk for 5 minutes and suddenly feel selfish and feel like its back to her problems. And when I do talk I lose my train of thought, Why? because shes never truly listtening, now Im also called a mushroom by my parents I could spend a lifetime by myself and be completely happy and satisfied just lost in my thoughts. So darkness and the corner of my room are my place. Most of my friends, dont respect that when i want my 1 day of alone time a week, I need it. Instead there are the people that cant be alone, they have to be surrounded by friends even if they are home. It bugs me and most of the time they get mad at me because they want me to be that person hanging out with them or talking to them, but me I wanna curl up in bed with my music, phone, movie, and laptop and just stay there for weeks at a time. During the summer I usually cut off everyone, because its my break time, from making everyone else feel better, and its my alone time, to prepare for 1 more year of being the people pleaser and dealing with high school drama, that is unneeded and unnecessary.

Depression

You know they say depression kills. But 'They' have no idea. I was suicidal once, like the point where hey suicides my best option. But scared out of my mind to follow through. Now here I am, having been depressed for this long. Not like oh she's just a little sad inside and doesnt feel like most things are going right. Like majorly depressed like any moment I could just fall over and cry or kill myself. Driving is the worst, because all I can think of is what is the best pole to run my truck into, to instantly kill myself or what else can I run into to only hurt myself. Or give me cancer I deserve it, I deserve to suffer those people don't. Like so depressed and not that anyone knows, this is the point where it's scary depressed and all I do is hide it, haven't told a soul I could jump off a bridge and no one would have any idea why. I don't need mental help, or psychological help I'm a perfectly normal person, this is just my inner depression. Hiding from the world, Im sure I'll be fine again in a month or two. I still care for everyone around me that doesn't care about me too much to do anything to myself that might hurt or affect them. But in a way this feels right, it feels good, just to let it all out.

Youngest but matur-est

Have you ever noticed, the kids that grow up as the youngest are always more mature. By the time it's their turn for something they are more than ready, they have to be better, why because maturity is all they have over the older siblings. When your a kid, and you need someone to play with, most kids don't get that, because yes they have siblings but usually they've moved on to bigger better things because of the difference in age. So they strive to grow up to be at the level their siblings are at, but most of the time, they end up more mature. Sure they aren't going to be at the same stage in life as them, but you watch their attitude, most of the time, they are ready for the next thing, matured, prepared and know what life's all about. When I was a kid, I wanted to skate before I could walk, which I did, I potty trained myself, while my siblings were being potty trained, I learned to read early because they could. I got my learners on my first try because they didnt. I got my drivers licence on my first try during a snowstorm. Because I had to be just as good and better. When you think about it, the maturity, is really good. My sister pretty much lives on a common sense brain of a 5 year old but is almost 20. Which makes me the more adult like organized, responsible figure, who gets annoyed of her. The thing about being the youngest too, is that, when they come home from college and university, and I've loved my house to myself, and being the only one around, it makes me want to leave. And the sad part is for my parents, when I go to university, they may not see me, well almost ever, because, I won't come home for the 4 month summer, to be annoyed by my siblings and be irritated, I'll be living my life, in wherever I decide to go. I'll be more responsible and organized I won't have to ask my parents for money, advice, directions, or live off them, because, going to university, is about learning to live life on your own. And that's how I plan to do it. I guess that just makes me more mature, but who knows.

Long Distance

So in my last post.. I happened to mention.. How most of my relationships are done from afar.. The thing is.. .No one has any idea.. My moms theory is that, I like meeting guys that are going away or that live far away.. Because Im scared of commitment or something.. what she doesn't understand.. Is long distance, is almost a worse commitment, because every free moment you have is spent telling them about the stuff you wish they were there to see or there to be with you for. Its brutal. Not being able to have intimacy with them. So as I was saying, Me personally, I have bad luck, with Long Distance relationships, First it was all about the guy I met at camp I cared about a lot, that it could never work for real because he lives 3 hrs away. Then after that didn't work, I dated this guy.. Who was moving away 2 hrs. After him I started crushing on this guy who was one of my best friends, who lives 8hrs away, after that I met this guy this summer, who I really liked.. Only to find out we couldn't get involved because he was going away to New Zealand for a year. But wait here's the best part, A few days after he left, I ran into my friend who I had went to camp with.. And discovered I couldn't date him.. Why? because he was also going to New Zealand, We got involved anyways, and he had me in tears and head over heels for him before he left, he had left for 5 months.. 2.5 now, half way, and asked me to wait for him, and my First friend that went to New Zealand, Wants me to wait for him.. so we can go to university together and date and stuff.. Crazy! Its like I only attract the relationships that have a limit, a date when it ends. And if it doesn't.. the guys that live close.. My continuous ending it with them, Is exactly a month from the day he asks me out. Most of the guys I have become close with have discovered that anyone I care about and it gets somewhat too close, or too complicated.. I push them away. I attract, Long Distance, and push away the ones I care about. Tough luck, Maybe its why, I am such an outsider, I push away friends too, keeping friendships isn't something I'm good at, I find some reason why we shouldn't be friends and slowly fade from their life. And now that Ive pushed just about everyone away, and all the guys I care about have left and gone half way across the world, I'm Invisible, and an outsider. Life. Is. Complicated.

From afar

The worst kind of crushing, is when your doing it from far away. Like drooling over a guy you have once had and will never have again. That guy you once randomly made out with that suddenly shows up looking so hot. Crushing on that guy you've sat next to in all of your core classes and whose locker is right next to yours, Cause he is just so hot. Not having the guts to just message them, or tell them straight up, that umm damn you think they're hot. Just wishing one day he'll ask for your number or text you up to talk to you because he thinks your cute.. (will never happen..) Its the worst. But don't make a big deal. Your a chicken or don't have enough confidence, you don't want to ruin a friendship, or things to get awkward, so you avoid it. Me, its okay because, yeah these guys look attractive and its fun to crush on them, but the one I truly care about, is far away, so I guess crushing and drooling is my way of avoiding my loneliness, and missing him.. :( oh everything is just done from afar.. Including all of my relationships, eh? =(

Calming down

Day after day, I feel like I'm freaking out, or losing it.. I get so bored I swear I could die. I wander around the house like a lost puppy, trying to figure out what new project I could accomplish today. When I finally give up and crawl back into bed for the day, I turn on my favorite radio station. Country. Its like a melody to the soul. It calms me down, brings me back down to earth, gives me hope, lets me dream, and keeps me going. Who would have thought country music could help me so much. I could lay for hours, staring at the ceiling with nothing but my country music on. I feel like it is what has become of my life, but I am okay with it. Its a love. The other thing that makes me feel 10X better, is just the outdoors, even though the Canadian winter right now is rather depressing, I could lay in the snow for hours or play with my dog in the snow, and only be at peace, I could freeze to death outside, but Id come back inside with a huge smile on my face. Country music and the outdoors. My calming peace, not a bath or soothing music, not sleep or a nap, Country, and the outdoors, when you think about it, lots of people could agree. Its your way to know that everything is going to be alright, that just because today kinda sucks doesn't mean tomorrow will be the same. Just a country girl.. Whose an outsider. =)

Depression

Honestly I feel like I'm going into depression.... I go to every class early because I honestly have no friends to hang out with.. I claim that it's because I love math or going early. I think I am depressed I'm just too scared to admit it to anyone or do anything about it, acting happy is all I can do. I question what I have all the time, what's there to look forward to, is life going to get better, on my birthday ill spend most of the time sleeping or watching tv.. It's not that I'm a loser, maybe I don't try to hang out with people enough, or I got rid of my friends on my own, no friends=no drama, the weird part is, is everywhere else I don't have any problems making friends or getting people to like me, but here at school I'm just an outsider, trying to fit in and get by.